Of all the news that I missed over the last week, nothing was more shocking than learning that Chris Kaman is a barber. For a refresher, here are a few pictures of Chris Kaman.
How does anybody turn to Chris Kaman for a haircut? Apparently, I wasn't the only one thinking along these same lines. Below is an exchange between Brad Townsend of the Dallas Morning News and Jason Kid.
Kidd: "Hey, have you talked to Dirk?" Townsend: "Yeah. Have you seen his hair?" Kidd: "Yeah. Man, who did that?" Townsend: "Chris Kaman. If you are Dirk and you make his money, do you let Chris Kaman cut your hair?" Kidd: "No way."
As you might have imagined, I would never let Chris Kaman touch my mane.
Read more...
Yesterday, we reported the Madison Mallards' contract offer to Gary Coleman. As it turns out, Coleman decided to accept their proposal and made his baseball debut last night. He was promptly thrown out.
Here's the video:
Thankfully, the ump comes through with a short joke!
Read more...
The Madison Mallards, a minor league baseball team in the midsts of a playoff push, are willing to win at all costs. The Mallards, in what is being considered an unprecedented move, have offered a contract to a former star: Gary Coleman of Different Strokes fame.
“As the Mallards prepare for the playoffs we feel that we need a special player to help put us over the top,” said Stenman. “Gary brings a lot of intangibles to the field and I feel like his presence would help invigorate our club as they get ready for a run at a championship. You can’t coach a strike zone like Gary has and I anticipate him being a force at the top of our lineup.”
Manager C.J. Thieleke is excited about the possibility to work with the star.
“I feel like he could develop a couple different strokes to rule the Northwoods League,” said Thieleke.
Under league rules, Coleman would not earn a paycheck for his play. He has yet to accept the contract offer. Until then, Mallards and their fans will be keeping their fingers crossed.
The Red Sox have ridded themselves of their major malcontent, Manny Ramirez, by trading him to the Dodgers. In the weeks leading up to the trade, it was obvious the relationship between club and star was deteriorating. I mean, just ask Buster Olney: it took Manny 5.7 seconds to run out a grounder; that's glacial in baseball terms!
As with any nasty breakup, both sides will try to paint the other as the bad guy. Manny had his turn yesterday, saying the Red Sox were a bunch of backstabbers. No word from the team.
I can only imagine what the writers, who no longer rely on Manny for interviews, will have to say...
Manny Ramirez beats on the elderly.
Manny Ramirez hates kids dying from cancer.
Manny Ramirez fakes injuries.
Manny Ramirez hits his teammates.
Manny Ramirez hates the troops.
Manny Ramirez didn't keep a promise that he made when he was in his teens.
Manny Ramirez is the biggest bum ever.
Wow.
So, Mr. Callahan, why wait until Manny was traded to share this with his (former) fans? Were you afraid to write, "Hey, you know that guy you fans adore? He's a real jerk," when the fans still supported him? Were you under orders to keep that stuff quiet? What gives?
Now, I'm not defending Manny Ramirez. Most likely, he is a jerk. I just love how some writers sit on this stuff until after the fact.
Read more...
Shea Stadium is as dangerous as ever: Another fan fell off the escalator, leading to serious injuries. Man, riding on the handrails might not have been a great idea.
Here at the Undrafted Free Agent, little sympathy is spared for stupidity. As such, we have created a t-shirt for like-minded Mets fans. Enjoy.
Are you having trouble drawing fans to your football games? Do you want to create a connection with the fans while building team chemistry? Would you like to gain a better understanding of the business of college football?
Well, if you are play for Western Kentucky's football team, selling tickets door-to-door is for you!
Starting next week, nearly 100 WKU players and coaches will hit the pavement of local neighborhoods offering season tickets for $25. They will be split into for teams, and the team that sells the most wins a steak dinner.
“We had tremendous success with this initiative last year, and I am pleased we will be doing it again,” WKU coach David Elson said. “It enables our team to interact with the community that gives us such great support while also giving our student-athletes a unique perspective to the business side of athletics.
“I also believe good-natured competitions such as this help build team chemistry.”
Hopefully the sale is a success for WKU. Just watch out for any locals who open their doors expecting Girl Scout Cookies only to find football tickets.
Read more...
After seeing all these bullies pick on Brett Favre (here, here, here, and here), I decided to channel my inner Chris Crocker and tell you all to leave Brett alone! I'm not a Favre fan , so this might be as hard as replacing him. [Ron P. Crimson, wearing green and yellow face paint, hiding beneath a bed sheet.]
How dare anyone out there make fun of Brett after all he has been through! He was questioned prior to the season, but came within a game of the Super Bowl. Then he had an interception and lost it all. He felt like he couldn't do that all again and had to retire. And now he is doubting himself and his decision, going through a hard time!
All you bloggers care about is readers and making money off of him. He's a human!
What you don't realize is that Brett is giving you all these readers, and all you do is write or photoshop a bunch of crap about him. He hasn't not played football in three decades!
Brett said he had an itch to play more for a reason. Because all you bloggers want is more, more, more, more, more!
Leave him alone! You are lucky he even played for you jerks! Leave Brett alone, please!
[I futilely attempt to stifle my tears.]
Someone out there talked about professionalism and said if Brett was a true professional, he wouldn't have sent text messages to the Packers no matter what. Speaking of professionalism, when is it professional to publicly bash someone who is going through a hard time? Leave Brett alone, please.
[The tears begin to flow.]
Leave Brett Favre alone right now! I mean it! Anyone that has a problem with him, you deal with me, because he is confused right now!
Yes, it's true. In fact, Jews outnumber Giants on this year's roster. "At least three players of Jewish descent" were named to the roster, though there may be more players with unknown Jewish blood powering their All-Star performances.
Red Sox first baseman Kevin Youkilis, who openly identifies as a Jew, was named a starter. Brewers outfielder Ryan Braun was also named a starter, but only identifies himself as half-Jewish. Ian Kinsler, Rangers second baseman and another half-Jew, is a reserve.
Thanks, JTA! I was worried that MLB would be Jew-less after Shawn Green retires, but I guess there will always be something[1] drawing Jews to baseball.
1. The Undrafted Free Agent would like to apologize for perpetuating hurtful stereotypes. We are just frustrated that anyone found people of Jewish descent making an All-Star team all that newsworthy.
In the sports world, which is dominated by size, there are bound to be a few figures lacking such girth. Just look at Nate Robinson. But which ten sports figures have the biggest little Napoleon complexes? Here's the list!
10. Daniel Snyder Dan Snyder is a little guy who made it big, made big bucks, and now owns the Washington Redskins. He spends like he has something to prove, always pursuing big-named free agents and high-priced coaches. Who cares if he needs five body guards to follow his every move?
9. Jon Gruden Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden is intense and, at times, "verbally abusive" towards his players (and quarterbacks). How does Lincoln Kennedy, who played under Gruden in Oakland, view his former coach? "I'm 6-foot-7 and he's 5-foot-nothing. He's got the little scrunched up face, he takes shots at you ... to me, it's funny. It's hilarious when a little guy wants to rule the world," Kennedy said. 8. Juan Pablo Montoya Listed at 5-foot-6, 159-pounds, NASCAR' racer Juan Pablo Montoya is a wee height-challenged man. He ignores that fact and gets feisty when a large camera man pops out of nowhere. Thankfully, he is small and easily restrained by his wife.
7. Tom Cruise No list of little guys who think too highly of themselves and their self-worth can be complete without Tom Cruise. If you need a sports connection, look at his roles. He played a sports agent and a race car driver. 6. Danica Patrick The video says it all. What is with racers?
5. Eddie Gaedel Standing in at 3-foot-4, Eddie Gaedel is famous for being the shortest player in MLB history. But here's a little known fact: he had a temper. When he was walked on four straight pitches, the opposing second baseman laughed as Gaedel strolled down to first. The very next pitch, a double play ball was hit to the shortstop. Gaedel spiked the second baseman, breaking up the double play. If you believe that, oh boy, do I have a deal for you!
4. T.J. Ford T.J. Ford is 5-foot-11, 160 pounds, and susceptible to injury. But when he's mad, three grown men are needed to hold him back. If I was referee Mark Davis, I would make it a priority to cherish everyday, knowing I came so close to death at the hands of "Feisty" T.J. Ford.
3. David Stern David Stern is one of the more effective commissioners in professional sports (there isn't much competition, remember) ; the NBA is as profitable as ever. That being said, at some point (around the time Ron Artest flipped out), Stern became power-crazed and decided that the NBA was his league. He rules over the league like a tyrant, handing out suspensions for minor scuffles or making controlling new policies. How was absolute power placed in the hands of this diminutive man?
2. Ed Wade Hey, did you hear former Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon grabbed GM Ed Wade by the neck and threw him to the ground!?!?? While Chacon was wrong, Wade does have a history of a Napoleonic history. According to Randy Miller, stories of Wade's tantrums were shared by players and team employees alike. In 2005, Wade became upset in a meeting and threw a chair in Charlie Manuel's office, breaking two of its legs. As for the Chacon incident, he escalated the situation when he lost his temper and cursed at the pitcher. The reason for Wade's anger? Chacon failed to respect his supreme authority by ignoring his request for a meeting. Wade seems to forget that he is this guy: 1. Nate Robinson Has anyone ever fit the Napoleon complex bill better than Nate Robinson? At 5-foot-9, he is plenty short enough, especially compared to other NBA players. In the overcompensation department, "Nate the Great" always tries to act tough in an attempt to mask his height. He picked a fight with J.R. Smith, quarreled with fellow Knick Zach Randolph, fought with a naked Malik Rose in the shower, and went after Jerome James with a broom. We get it, Nate. You can fight bigger guys without getting killed! Did I forget a notable Napoleon complex? Leave a comment! Tell me I'm an idiot!
We are guessing that Kobe Bryant is unwilling to reply to Shaquille O'Neal's freestyle rap with a rap. So, we did it for him. Shaq knows who I be. He ain't won without players like me. Penny, Wade, and Kobe. Can't you see? He ain't won without players like me.
You're the "difference between first and last?" Did you forget about this season past? The Heat were 9-37 through the trade. The Suns were worse after it was made.
Shaq knows who I be. He ain't won without players like me. Penny, Wade, and Kobe. Can't you see? He ain't won without players like me.
Shaq, you is bashing Kareem. You is bashing Ewing. But how about Olajuwon? Oh, he kicked your tush one-on-one?
Shaq knows who I be. He ain't won without players like me. Penny, Wade, and Kobe. Can't you see? He ain't won without players like me.
You were given talent matched by very few. Then your tush just grew and grew. So much talent went to waste. Oh, and I don't know how your tush taste.
Shaq knows who I be. He ain't won without players like me. Penny, Wade, and Kobe. Can't you see? He ain't won without players like me.
Shaq, it was your darn itch, Needing to relations that woman. You should have been apologizing to Shaunie, 'Stead, you was complaining to me.
Shaq knows who I be. He ain't won without players like me. Penny, Wade, and Kobe. Can't you see? He ain't won without players like me.
Too often, money hungry NFL players are just full of shit when it comes to their contract demands. That's what I always say. St. Louis Rams running back Steve Jackson isn't demanding more guaranteed money or anything like that. Still, his girlfriend suggested he get his system cleaned out.
"My hands were covered in sweat, and the (colon therapist) lady comes in and starts talking my ear off. There's this thin hose-type-thing that you put up there that shoots water into you and sucks everything out, but I had trouble getting it in, and then it kept coming out. The lady had to come back six different times and put it back in there. It was brutal."
Interjected Harris: "When we got done and he walked out to the waiting room, I said, 'Steven, are you OK?' He said, 'I don't want to talk about it.' I swear to God, he looked like a kid who'd been in there with R Kelly."
Jackson laughed at the memory and shook his head in mock disbelief. "I can't believe we're talking about this," he said. "But I will say this: Once you get it all out of you, your body feels great. You get a boost of energy, and you feel like you can accomplish anything."
To put this in perspective, Johnny Knoxville had a colonic on Jackass. I can only imagine how unpleasant this experience was.
Read more...
The following instant messaging conversation took place following the Celtics' championship win. Ron P. Crimson had no idea Celtics guard Ray Allen took exception to the Big Three nickname. He will find out now. Let's join them as the conversation begins...
Ronniecrimson78: Congratulations on the win, man. RayRay20celtics: Thanks. Ronniecrimson78: The title's back where it's supposed to be: Boston! RayRay20celtics: Haha. You know it. Ronniecrimson78: I knew the Big Three would bring it home. Big Three FTW! RayRay20celtics: Well, to be honest, it took every last one of us to win it. Really, we're the Big 15. Ronniecrimson78: OK. ;-) RayRay20celtics: What's that supposed to mean? Ronniecrimson78: Well, I mean... Scalabrine? RayRay20celtics: Yeah, Scalabrine. He was big, stepping up for us. Ronniecrimson78: Seriously? Scalabrine? RayRay20celtics: Yeah, Scalabrine! Ronniecrimson78: He didn't even suit up! RayRay20celtics: So? Have you seen him in practice? He can disappear, preparing us for Lamar Odom. Scalabrine was great. Ronniecrimson78: OK. Whatever. I guess Scalabrine did something, but the Big Three still won the thing for Boston! RayRay20celtics: OK, for the last time, stop calling us the Big Three! We are more than three players. I told you, there are fifteen players on the championship-winning Boston Celtics. Drop the entire Big Three thing! Ronniecrimson78: How about the Three Amigos? RayRay20celtics: Stop! Ronniecrimson78: The Three Basketeers? RayRay20celtics: Shut up! Ronniecrimson78: Parquet Posse? RayRay20celtics: Well, if it's referring to... Ronniecrimson78: The Boston Three Party! RayRay20celtics: We are a team! Any time there was that label, whether it was on TV, in a newspaper or we saw it traveling to another city, we just did our best to downplay it. We wouldn't have won with just Kevin, Paul, and me! So start saying the Celtics won! The media, people on Sportscenter, and fans are just masking the team's achievements by crediting the Big Three for the win. We're tired of it! Ronniecrimson78: Um, isn't that kind of hypocritical or at least irresponsible? RayRay20celtics: (Pause in typing) How so? Ronniecrimson78: I mean, the Big Three was more than a media creation. You, Garnett, and Pierce embraced the label. You guys went out and did interviews as a trio. Hell, you did multiple ESPNcommercials. In one, you decide on new nicknames for the Big Three. How can you complain now about the media and fans saying the Big Three won it or other stuff like that when eight months ago, you reveled in it? RayRay20celtics:(Pause in typing) I don't get what you're trying to say. Ronniecrimson78: OK. Look at Paris Hilton. She would go out of her way to be photographed by the paparazzi. They were key in making her into a celebrity even though she has done nothing to deserve it. How can she then complain about them, the people that she embraced to help make her famous? RayRay20celtics: Well, Paris Hilton is stupid. I got to go. Ronniecrimson78: Wait! RayRay20celtics: What? Ronniecrimson78: Is this actually Ray Allen? RayRay20celtics: Nope. Ronniecrimson78: Figures. RayRay20celtics: Bye.
WARNING: Scrolling past this point may cause trauma!
You might have heard that the Celtics won last night. It's true. Kevin Garnett, previously a doubter, realized anything is possible, even him winning a championship. Of course, with victory comes many honors, the most prominent of which is Wheaties! Kevin Garnett with a proper jumpstart to his day? NBA, watch out for the repeat!
In all seriousness, congratulations to the Celtics for the win. Going wire-to-wire as the favorites is difficult task.
Read more...
When the Buffalo Bills announced their plans to play eight games in Toronto, many longtime fans worried the beginning to the end was underway for their hometown franchise. I guess, we all just assumed the Canadians would welcome a real football team. Who knew they didn't want the Bills or the NFL?
If Canadian Senator Larry Campbell has his way, the Bills won't even step foot in his great land. Campbell drafted a bill that would effectively ban the NFL from playing regular season games in Canada.
The actual language is "no person owning or operating a football team within a foreign league shall require or permit that team to play football in Canada" and "no person shall play football within Canada as a player on a football team within a foreign league."
Why would Campbell want to ban the NFL from his country? Well, he wants you to remember a few things: Canadian football has existed longer than American football, the Grey Cup has symbolized Canadian "football supremacy", and the CFL "contributes to the bonds of nationhood across Canada."
Additionally, Campbell says the Toronto Argonauts would be unable to compete against the Bills for fans in the region, which would then destroy the Canadian game. Campbell and his like-minded Canadians will fight the americanization one of the last remaining Canadian institutions.
In other Campbell news, his implementation of the Downtown Eastside skid row doesn't sit well with some Canadians.
While playing on the U.S. Olympic team, Dwight Howard and Chris Bosh became good friends. Later, they became video game rivals.
"I remember during the summer, there was one video game we played and the first couple of times I beat him like crazy," Howard said. "He bought the game and practiced and practiced and practiced and he came back and he beat me. We really enjoy the rivalry."
Bosh, who averaged 33 points against Howard this season, wants to confine their rivalry to the XBox Live and basketball courts. Howard: not so much. He said they would wrestle occasionally but that Bosh avoids any and all physical confrontation.
"I wouldn't say that," said Bosh. "I might grab him and mess with him, but as soon as he gets for real, I back off. He's too strong."
Bosh will stick to Xbox LIVE, where he is practicing up on his Halo 3. He is just "okay" right now, but he is guaranteeing he will be pretty good soon. It is only a matter of time before Bosh battles Gilbert Arenas, the accused cheat. ("Sorry to all my friends and family who believed in me. I disgraced my Halo friends' names. LOL. I'm a beast in Halo 3.")
How does the online gaming community treat you when you claim you're an NBA player? "One dude was saying 'you're a fake!!!', and it really made me laugh. Sometimes I want to say something, but some people online say crazy stuff so its no telling what I'd hear."
After LeBron James missed a game-winning 3-point shot against the Wizards, DeShawn Stevenson told reporters that James was overrated.
James responded, saying, "With DeShawn Stevenson, it's kind of funny. It's almost like Jay-Z [responding to a negative comment] made by Soulja Boy. It doesn't make sense to respond."
Soulja Boy said: "I looked and didn't really think much about it. LeBron said something like he was Jay-Z and DeShawn [Stevenson] is Soulja Boy. I took that as [disrespectful]."
LeBron said the statement was not meant to be disrespectful to Soulja Boy.
If he wanted to offend him, LBJ could have been honest. Unlike Soulja Boy, DeShawn Stevenson is at least serviceable at his craft. Soulja Boy is more like Stromile Swift: they might fool you into thinking they are decent, but then you remember they are stupid and suck.
Too bad Soulja Boy can't get passed his false sense of importance ("When I first came out, there [were] a lot of people that did my dance from football players to basketball players to soccer players so this makes me feel like a very important individual.") and realize it was a compliment.
The New York Mets were looking for a new song to play in the eighth inning. Instead, they got RickRoll'd.
The Mets invited fans to vote for their favorite song to replace Sweet Caroline. An problem arose when FARK.com readers bombarded the Mets with votes for a write-in candidate: Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
The Astley tune actually won. Listen and watch to the fans' reaction.
The Mets will play the top six selections once apiece during the first six games of their home stand since the current song doesn't reflect the fans' sentiments. The one that draws the largest crowd response will stick. By that standard, Never Gonna Give You Up might have won with boos.
Read more...
The Tigers should have fouled at the end of the game. Calipari should have called a timeout. Dorsey should not have fouled out. Boy, Memphis should have made a few free throws.
Those facts lead to the inevitable question: did Memphis lose the NCAA Championship or did Kansas win it? That's debatable (and probably a combination of the two), but one thing is for sure. These guys are your national champions...
Like professional athletes, mascots are there to entertain the paying customer. With their soft coat of synthetic fur, plump underlayers of cotton fat, and fun-loving ways, the mascots even become favorites of America's youth.
When athletes make mistakes, they face the consequences. Former Chicago Bears defensive tackle Tank Johnson was thrown out of town after numerous gun charges. Likewise, Warriors guard Stephen Jackson and Titans cornerback Pacman Jones have found themselves in similar positions: connected to various legal problems, suspended by their leagues, and traded/will be traded from their respective teams.
In one American city, the same cannot be said for a mascot. Benny the Bull, the once-beloved mascot of the Chicago Bulls, has been given multiple chances to clean up his act. Last night, Benny the Bull was involved in another shooting. Unlike the players, he brought his violence onto the court.
Benny was involved in a late-game trash talking session with Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett and James Posey. With frustrations over the pending defeat mounting, Benny the Bull was unable to contain his anger. Benny loaded a T-shirt launcher with a projectile (presumably a shirt; you never know with bulls). The projectile was launched and struck Posey in the back.
Garnett initially had to be restrained by a member of the officiating crew as Benny looked on a safe distance away. Posey, a hated man in Chicago after several hard fouls against Bulls players, believes Benny the Bulls was ordered by his superiors within the Bulls organization.
“I don’t know - I feel threatened,” Posey said. “I don’t feel safe. They really have tough love here, but it was definitely an inside job. They made the mascot do it. I got hit in the back walking away. That spot on my back is sore. I might have to get treatment on it.”
Loyal fans of Benny the Bull know this is not a first time offense for the mascot.
In January of 2004, Benny was arrested on the 500 block of West Locust Street for "delivery of suspected cannabis," according to Chicago police spokesman Sgt. Edward Alonzo. Police officers saw him carry out three suspected drug deals from the trunk of his car. Benny the Bull then started walking down the sidewalk when the officers stopped him and found a little more than six ounces of marijuana in a brown paper bag he had been carrying.
On July 3, 2006, Benny the Bull was busted at the Taste of Chicago. Police reported Benny ignored an order to stop riding a motorbike. He struck an officer who tried to pull him over. Benny the Bull was charged with misdemeanor battery and cited with driving on a sidewalk.
There is no reason parents should have to worry whether their kids will befriend such a disgusting mascot-being. In addition, the Bulls organization must show they do not condone his actions. There is only one thing to do: Bulls GM John Paxson must trade Benny the Bull to the Dallas Cowboys for a 4th round draft pick in the upcoming draft.
After knocking off the Georgetown Hoyas to advance to the Sweet 16, the Davidson Wildcats and star guard Stephen Curry will face the Wisconsin Badgers tonight in Detroit. Few expected the Wildcats to be at this point or Curry to join the company of Wilt Chamberlain and Oscar Robertson. Davidson head coach Bob McKillop, apparently, didn't expect this from his team.
McKillop has worked to build a program capable of making a deep tournament run. In doing so, he has focused his recruiting on foreign basketball player. The countries of Nigeria, England, Canada, Turkey, France, and the Congo are currently represented on the Wildcats roster. Only two players, Curry and his own son, are natives of North Carolina and in-state recruits.
While he started working European basketball camps in 1981, McKillop began using his connections to recruit new players when he was named the head coach at Davidson.
“We saw a niche in the foreign market when I first came to Davidson in 1989,” said McKillop, who has been conducting clinics in Europe since 1981 and has had numerous foreigners on his squad over the years. “Davidson is attractive to international students. It’s a welcoming community for international students. And I find that the international players, they love dreams. They’re coming to America living a dream.”
Similarly, Davidson will be living their dream tonight, with a chance at the Elite 8 on the line.
Ron Crimson was the only player on the high school roster to not get in a game. He couldn't argue with the decision, because he sucked. Needless to say, yet stated anyway, when he entered the NBA draft following his sophomore season in college, he went undrafted. Now, Ron Crimson is the Undrafted Free Agent.
Contact the Undrafted Free Agent
Interested in informing the Undrafted Free Agent of his mistakes, advertisement opportunities, or a scoop on the latest sports scandal? (You can guess which is more likely.) Well, email him at undraftedfreeagent [at] gmail.com.
Look at This!
There's nothing here; I just needed to fill some space. Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! I also needed to balance it out a bit.
How does anybody turn to Chris Kaman for a haircut? Apparently, I wasn't the only one thinking along these same lines. Below is an exchange between Brad Townsend of the Dallas Morning News and Jason Kid.
