How the NBA Rules on Fouls

Just two rounds into the playoffs, there have been plenty of fouls and confrontations for the NBA to review. Just yesterday, they announced that Kendrick Perkins would not be suspended for elbowing Mikael Pietrus in the throat, despite previously saying elbows were an automatic suspension.

So, I must ask, how does the NBA come to their conflicting decisions?

Though some in the Tinfoil Hat Brigade think there are more sinister motivations behind the NBA's inconsistent rulings (MONEY!), I have only one explanation.

Somewhere, deep within the NBA's headquarters, there is a room. In that room, Stern and Jackson gather around a circle, which is broken into sections. The sections have labels: Suspension, $25,000 Fine, Flagrant-1, Flagrant-2, and No Action. Commissioner Stern grabs a chicken and bites off its head. He places the chicken in the center of the circle. The chicken walks, the chicken falls, and the NBA's ruling is made.