Wednesday, July 16, 2008

What You Could Have Done With the 4 Hours and 50 Minutes You Spent Watching an Exhibition Baseball Game

Last night's All-Star game was a record-setting 4 hours and 50 minutes long. Please don't tell me you wasted your night watching (or even worse, live blogging) the game. There were so many things you could have done, like:

I firmly believe my prayers were answered when Justin Morneau scored to end last night's All-Star game. There is no other answer.
  • Play 3,456 games of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Oddly enough, Clint Hurdle and Terry Francona would have played a best-of-one game if they ran out of pitchers.
  • Watch Joey Chestnut eat 1,641 dogs. We here at the Undrafted Free Agent are confident that Joey Jaws will maintain his pace.
  • Knockout Jose Canseco 7,293 times. That's a lot, even if it's just a rough calculation (read: random throwing together of digits). For the record, when I win, I will donate 85% of my earnings to the charity of my choice.
  • Run the bases 864 times. Fatigue will never set in, allowing you to maintain a Prince Fielder-esque speed throughout.
  • Watch the Chevrolet Man's dreadfully long MVP presentation 3.79 times. Just an aside: if anyone out there is listening, I need video of Chevrolet Man (like I needed proof that Roger Clemens used steroids) saying something like "baseball fans are awesome" before waiting for the fans to roar with their approval. The silence was deafening and really, really awkward.
  • Write 57 kind letters to Florida Marlins second baseman under various names. Tell him to stay positive, that he is a fine defensive player. Forget that no All-Star has ever had as many errors in a single game.
  • Reread the Mitchell Report twice and in its entirety. Notice how so few of the players named were at the game? They really are cleaning the game of steroids. Yeah, Bud!
  • Change your mind about retirement no less than 5 times. Who cares? We don't have a legacy to ruin.
  • Heat up no less than 1,193 times while playing a nostalgic game of NBA Jam, including 2,746 shots from downtown!
  • Sleep.
What if Justin Morneau hadn't scored? Me thinks the game should have been decided on "rock, paper, scissors, chute!"

With so many activities to choose from, no wonder you decided to watch the All-Star game.


About the Undrafted Free Agent

Ron Crimson was the only player on the high school roster to not get in a game. He couldn't argue with the decision, because he sucked. Needless to say, yet stated anyway, when he entered the NBA draft following his sophomore season in college, he went undrafted. Now, Ron Crimson is the Undrafted Free Agent.

Contact the Undrafted Free Agent

Interested in informing the Undrafted Free Agent of his mistakes, advertisement opportunities, or a scoop on the latest sports scandal? (You can guess which is more likely.) Well, email him at undraftedfreeagent [at]

Look at This!

There's nothing here; I just needed to fill some space. Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! I also needed to balance it out a bit.

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