Friday, June 13, 2008

7 Celestial Objects Named After Sports Figures

Myron Cope, the legendary Pittsburgh Steelers broadcaster, was given an honor typically reserved for gods. The International Astronomical Union agreed to rename an asteroid "7835 Myroncope." Myroncope is 3 miles wide and located 88 million miles from Earth.

Now, this leads me to ask: which sports figures deserve to have celestial objects named in their name? And by deserve, I mean create a fairly decent analogy.

7. Mark Prior will donate his name to a meteoroid.
Mark Prior was so good, so young. At 22, he was arguably the best pitcher in all of baseball. There was no telling how good he was going to be. Five injury-plagued years later, we are asking if his career is over. Remember, meteoroids are also called falling stars.
6. The sun will be renamed after Chad Johnson.
Really, I could have gone with an egotistical wide receiver here. Chad Johnson is just the most recent who is under the impression that the world revolves around him.

5. Eddy Curry has been called a black hole. Thus, it is only fitting for black holes to be known as Eddycurrys.
If you will recall, Eddy Curry is a bad passer with a large gravitational field. His teammates will sooner orbit him than receive a kick-out from the post. For comparison's sake, a black hole's so powerful that nothing can escape its pull.

4. White stars will be known as Larrybirds.
Um, I think you understand the thinking behind this one.

3. The planet formerly known as Uranus will be renamed Kobebryant.
We all remember learning the planets as a youngster. We all remember the snickers that followed Uranus. Ha. Likewise, we will all remember that Kobe Bryant was a bit of an ass to his teammates. Really, this is just a perfect match.

2. Rogue planets can be named Bobbypetrinos.
A rogue planet is an object that resembles of planets, but is not bound to a star. This allows it to roam, on its own, through space. Bobby Petrino is a coach that resembles a coach, but his loyalties are not bound to a specific team. He is allowed to roam throughout the coaching ranks, following the money. The two are strikingly similar.

1. Dark matter will forever be referred to as Shane Battier.
Shane Battier is considered the ultimate intangibles player. He is a smart defender, but has never been flashy. The team plays better with him on the floor, yet he goes unnoticed. Really, Battier is to the Rockets what dark matter is to visible matter. (WikiDefinition: dark matter is a hypothetical form of matter that does not emit or reflect enough electromagnetic radiation to be observed directly, but whose presence can be inferred from gravitational effects on visible matter.)


About the Undrafted Free Agent

Ron Crimson was the only player on the high school roster to not get in a game. He couldn't argue with the decision, because he sucked. Needless to say, yet stated anyway, when he entered the NBA draft following his sophomore season in college, he went undrafted. Now, Ron Crimson is the Undrafted Free Agent.

Contact the Undrafted Free Agent

Interested in informing the Undrafted Free Agent of his mistakes, advertisement opportunities, or a scoop on the latest sports scandal? (You can guess which is more likely.) Well, email him at undraftedfreeagent [at]

Look at This!

There's nothing here; I just needed to fill some space. Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! I also needed to balance it out a bit.

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