Sunday, May 10, 2009

How the NBA Rules on Fouls

Just two rounds into the playoffs, there have been plenty of fouls and confrontations for the NBA to review. Just yesterday, they announced that Kendrick Perkins would not be suspended for elbowing Mikael Pietrus in the throat, despite previously saying elbows were an automatic suspension.

So, I must ask, how does the NBA come to their conflicting decisions?

Though some in the Tinfoil Hat Brigade think there are more sinister motivations behind the NBA's inconsistent rulings (MONEY!), I have only one explanation.

Somewhere, deep within the NBA's headquarters, there is a room. In that room, Stern and Jackson gather around a circle, which is broken into sections. The sections have labels: Suspension, $25,000 Fine, Flagrant-1, Flagrant-2, and No Action. Commissioner Stern grabs a chicken and bites off its head. He places the chicken in the center of the circle. The chicken walks, the chicken falls, and the NBA's ruling is made.


Monday, May 4, 2009

Cheering for the Enemy?

Each playoff series brings a playoff loser. On Saturday, my Bulls joined the ranks of the defeated. Now, I am now faced with a difficult question: For the remainder of the playoffs, should I throw my support behind the former enemy, the Celtics, or their opponent, the Magic?

After a heated series, my natural response was to side with Dwight and the Magic. Like most homers, I detested everything that I felt Boston represented, from lousy fans and dirty players, like Rajon Rondo, to cocky scrubs. I grew to hate almost all of the Celtics, with the exception being Brian Scalabrine. (I challenge you to hate on a daywalker with a headband.) Though those feelings have begun to lessen, I don't think I'll be able to cheer for Garnett or Rondo.

Still, I have found myself hoping for a win. A quick playoff exit wouldn't look good for the Celtics and, therefor, the Bulls. A loss would damage the legend of a great series while each series win builds upon it. Plus, I guess it's better to lose to the champions than to be cut down by an also-ran.

Needless to say, I'm torn. So I ask, random Internet friends, which side would you take?


Saturday, May 2, 2009

Linton Johnson Disses, Accurately Describes KG

Kevin Garnett is an emotional guy. It physically pains him, we're told, to sit on the bench, unable to play in the Bulls-Celtics series. Still, he gets plenty of camera time. Just look at this picture:

But don't let all those shots of KG on the Celtics' bench fool you. According to Chicago Bulls forward Linton Johnson, the Battle of the Benches clearly favors the Bulls. In fact, he broke down the depth of Chicago's cheer squad bench, throwing in a jab at Kevin Mothafuckin' Garnett.
"Lindsey, like the Vanguard. So we follow Lindsey," Johnson said. "We've got the muscle with Aaron. We've got a heck of a bench. If they ever turn that camera down on our end, they've got something really good. KG's by himself, but we've got the whole clan down there."

Do the Bulls' reserves ever hear what Garnett is yelling?

"We can read his lips," Johnson said. "With him, it's easy. He only says about five words."
Linton Johnson, you are my new favorite player.


About the Undrafted Free Agent

Ron Crimson was the only player on the high school roster to not get in a game. He couldn't argue with the decision, because he sucked. Needless to say, yet stated anyway, when he entered the NBA draft following his sophomore season in college, he went undrafted. Now, Ron Crimson is the Undrafted Free Agent.

Contact the Undrafted Free Agent

Interested in informing the Undrafted Free Agent of his mistakes, advertisement opportunities, or a scoop on the latest sports scandal? (You can guess which is more likely.) Well, email him at undraftedfreeagent [at]

Look at This!

There's nothing here; I just needed to fill some space. Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! Space eater! I also needed to balance it out a bit.

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